Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Being a person of faith, forgiveness is a big topic. Jesus gave His life so we can be forgiven without paying a price. He paid the ultimate price. But, what is forgiveness, and what about all these emotions we feel when we are harmed? Do these emotions disappear after forgiving? Is forgiveness a process or a decision? Is forgiveness a feeling? Let's dive in.

FORGIVE: to stop feeling angry or resentful toward  someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

To cancel a debt.

Emotions are so important. They are our signals saying that something needs attention. Over and over in the Bible, you can see God and Jesus with these emotions: they did get angry at injustice, sorrow when something sad happened, etc. Clearly these emotions are not sin. If we are to forgive as God forgives us, there are a few things to consider. Some Bible verses say, “If they repent, then forgive them,” suggesting repentance—truly turning away from harm—is needed for forgiveness. But I also see Jesus on the cross saying, “Father, forgive them,” and Stephen asking God not to hold the sin against his killers—even though neither group had repented. It’s complex. On one hand, repentance matters; on the other, there are powerful examples of forgiving even when repentance hasn’t happened. If someone says they’ve changed or repented, it doesn’t always mean they truly have. If we don’t admit and turn from our wrongs, what is there for Jesus to forgive? These are important questions I’m still thinking through.

Forgiveness also seems to be as much for us as for the one who harmed us. When we forgive, we become untied from the harm, no longer bound or ruled by the hurt or to the person who caused it.

As for emotions, I don't believe forgiveness is an emotion. I don't believe we wait until we feel like forgiving to forgive. I believe forgiveness is a choice. We choose to release the person who harmed us from needing to "pay us back" for what they did.

What about the disgust or anger that we feel? I believe we would be crazy to not be feeling those emotions. We can have anger about the evil that is done in this world and not have revenge in our hearts. We can have disgust and sorrow over the way we were treated without holding it against the perpetrator of harm. In fact, allowing ourselves to fully experience and process these emotions is not only essential for healing, but also aligns with both faith-based and trauma-informed perspectives. 

When we forgive, we release that person into God's hand. His justice and anger is perfect, without sin, and full of love. I don't trust myself to carry out justice.

Will these feelings of disgust, deep sorrow, and anger ever go away? In my life, I started trying to see others who have hurt me through a different lens. I started to be able to see the fear they live in. Because of that fear, they feel like they have to control everything in their world to be safe. I can see that because part of me is the same way. Seeing this allows me to have compassion on myself and others.

With these changed thoughts and emotions toward these people, that doesn't mean I give up boundaries. Boundaries are integral to having healthy relationships and Jesus definitely had good boundaries. Unsafe people often see boundaries as anger or unforgiveness, but that is not the case. I can fully forgive someone (a choice, not an emotion or process) and still not allow them access to my life.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or restoring a relationship—especially if it would put you at risk. You can forgive while still choosing distance from someone who has harmed you. This is a key part of protecting your well-being.

And as for the emotions surrounding forgiveness, I believe the same goes for these as emotions surrounding anything else. They are good!...it's what we do with those emotions that could be harmful or helpful. Let's use these emotions to learn to be more discerning, to see parts of our life where we need better boundaries, to awaken our desire for God's will here on earth as it is in heaven, and not for revenge.