How Will I Show Up?

Two of the most common phrases in my house during conflict are:

1) “What or who can you control?” and

2) “How do YOU want to show up?” or “Is that who you want to be?”

I want so desperately to control outcomes—sometimes to the point of becoming hurtful. But is that really who I want to be? I like knowing what to expect. I want just or fair outcomes. I want to be heard. I want relationships to honor God, and I just want everything to be okay. But here’s the thing: we are all imperfect humans, and in a relationship, there is always more than one person involved. Sometimes, the other person chooses a way of relating that is harmful. In those moments, it’s important to pause and ask, “Is this something I can control?” and “How would I like to show up in response to this?”

If we react instead of responding, it often comes out as defending ourselves, seeking revenge, fighting back, manipulating the situation, or even passive-aggressively punishing. The times I’ve shown up this way, I feel so yucky afterward—AND I don’t get the result I would like anyway.

Daily, we are met with conflict in relationships. When this tension comes up, I challenge myself (and you) to do the following:

1) You don’t need to respond immediately. Stay completely silent or say, “I need a bit of time to process this. I’ll get back to you at this time or on this day.” Remember, the initial intensity of emotion lasts about 90 seconds. After that, it’s our thoughts that fuel the emotion. We can take these thoughts captive and line them up with God’s heart (2 Corinthians 10:5).

2) In your reflection, sort out what you can and cannot control. Surrender what you can’t control, and focus on what you can.

3) Think about your values, which will shape your response. Here are a few to consider: curiosity, integrity, justice, forgiveness, bravery, creativity, honesty, freedom, etc. It may help to write them down—this gets your brain working on a solution instead of ruminating on the problem.

4) Choose your response and how you’ll deliver it. Will you speak in person, write a letter, choose to stay silent, or overlook an offense? (See Proverbs 19:11, Proverbs 17:9.) You can choose to repay evil for evil, but ask yourself, “Is that really how I want to show up? How would that be helpful?” Not repaying evil for evil does NOT mean being a doormat for someone else’s mistreatment. Sometimes, assertiveness and standing up with love and respect is the right option. Other times, silence and surrendering to God—allowing Him to fight the battle—is the best plan. Pray for God’s wisdom as you respond; He promises to guide us and give us wisdom.

Relationships are messy. There’s rarely a clear path forward. But conflict within relationships can be an amazing opportunity to seek God’s heart and refine us as we decide how we want to show up in difficult situations.

I’ll leave you with two quotes my kids came up with that keep me taking the next step forward when I feel like giving up on all relationships because it’s too hard:

- “When people dislike you for speaking the truth, it’s not you they are disliking—it’s reality they are disliking.”-Z-Bop

- “I would rather love authentically and be hurt than have someone not know what it’s like to be loved.”-Naya